The Worst. Just the worst.


The Worst. Just the worst.



As a stay-at-home mom, I see a crapload of kids TV, and I am telling you some of these characters should be killed.  Not murdered; murder is for civilized folk.  These people should be drug (dragged?) out in the street and shot.  Oh, and yes, I know that some of them are children.

1.)  Boots the Monkey.  First of all, I hate monkeys. All of them.  None of them are cute and they all look disease-ridden to me.  That being said, who the barnacles got Dora a monkey?  That doesn’t sound like some child protective services mess AT ALL.  For some reason, the monkey feels like it’s perfectly fine to walk around naked (which is something that monkeys do) but that his feet need to be protected.  From what, Boots?  FROM WHAT?  Diseases?  Guess what, BOOTS–the diseases came from you.

2.)  Sir Toppem Hat.  How does this guy still have a job?  His engines are always messing up and causing “confusion and delay”.  Tidmouth sheds should be bankrupt and Hat collecting unemployment.  Thomas is the worst one of them all and should have been turned into scrap, he’s so incompetent.  Gordon is a pompous jerk and James is a metrosexual.  The only likable one is Percy.

3.) O the owl.  Yo, I actually like the Daniel Tiger show.  It actually teaches kids useful stuff, like take your tail to the bathroom when you have to go, take turns, and just because you’re upset doesn’t  mean you’ll get your way.  However, this flippin kid.  I swear.  He doesn’t want to do anything. It’s not just that he’s a fraidy-cat–I have a fraidy-cat.  Name it and the Weirdo is afraid of it.  No, this kid is neurotic.  On today’s episode, all the kids were playing with a cardboard box, like kids do–imagining spaceships and racecars and the half-yearly sale or whatnot.  This kid?  He decided he just wanted to read.  Now, as a person who has more books than she can count, I am all for a kid reading.  But what the green beans does this kid read about?  Boxes.  He is reading a book about boxes.   What the heezy?  Although I suspect he has some deeper issues–his parents named him O the Owl.  That’s pretty awful–they didn’t even try.  That’s like naming your kid H the Human.

4.) Elmo.  Good LORD how I hate this jerk.  He is a narcissist; he speaks of himself in the third person.  Who does that?  THEN, he creates an entire world consisting of himself and his imagination and forces kids to watch said universe because it’s the entire last quarter Sesame Street.  Cruel.  All of his “original” songs are set to the melody of Jingle Bells.  (Feet, feet, feet. Feet, feet, feet.  Feet, feet, feet, feetfeet.  Actual lyrics.) Fraud.  His voice makes me want to suicide.  That’s right, I turned suicide into a verb.

5.) Uncle Grandpa.  I think this speaks for itself, as the man is OBVIOUSLY a product of incest.  Uncle Grandpa?  So someone’s sibling reproduced with  someone’s parent and this is the subject of a children’s show?  And he totally acts like an inbred, too.  One of his friends is a slice of pizza that wears sunglasses.  If that doesn’t smack of meth, I don’t know what does.

6.)  Steve Songs.  Okay, so this isn’t a show. It was more like an interlude, and I don’t see it much anymore.  Which s good, because…it’s a guy who sings to kids on PBS.  But what kind of man sings to random kids on a random playground without parental supervision?  For real, if this dude showed up at a playground in real life, 911 would be shut down with calls.

7.)    Sid-the-freakin-Science-Kid.  How is it that no one feels like this is elitist?  I mean, the kid goes to preschool that focuses only on science and only has four kids in the entire school. What?  And every last one of those kids in annoying, but none more so than Gerald.  Who the bee-knees names their kid Gerald?  And why does he only have hair on the very top of his head?  And why do the adults on this show never just say “Shhhhhhhh”?  They don’t get headaches?  They don’t have to be sad about the bills this month?  Bills that must be astronomical, considering that Sid’s preschool must be the most exclusive preschool in the United States?

8.)The Cat in the Hat.  He kidnaps the same two kids on a regular basis on the pretense of asking their mothers for permission.  He knows for a FACT that the moms don’t think he’s real.  He just doesn’t care.  So he takes these two kids all over the world to meet dangerous animals, and all he needs is the disclaimer that “your mother will not mind at all if we do.” Well, I think the Jamaican mom is high on weed, and the white mom is on straight up Valium.  So The Cat in the Hat is the best option for these kids.

9.)  I don’t think this show is on  anymore, but Big, Big, World was made of cocaine and nightmare.  Especially Snook the Sloth.  Just Google this creep.  What voice is that?  I’m not even sure of the mechanics of this thing?  He looked and sounded like a child molester in monkey form.  Aaaaaand we’re back to how I feel about monkeys.

10.)  Caillou.  Because he’s the devil.  That’s all I got.


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