It’s no secret that I like to hate. So of course I like to hate-watch TV shows. I used to hate watch the reality shows, until I realized that all the Black women on them act like someone dressed them up and said “Hey you. Act Black.” You know, like how a person who has never actually met a Black Woman would think a Black woman would act like–except it turns out most of us would never act that way. OH. AND. These shows are produced by Black women. Boy, I tells ya…
But that is a tangent for another day.
Back to hate-watching. The Big Man and I were watching something known in these parts as The Starlight Parade. Let me tell you, the Big Man was not just on one; he was on ALL OF THEM.
Actual quotes from the night:
1.) “Parades are for people who want to get killed by bombs.” (Do parades get bombed? Is there a Mad Parade Bomber? A Parade Terrorist?)
2.) “Sometimes you have to stop your kids from doing stuff.” (After watching the David Douglas high school flag girls.)
3.) “That Chinese dragon looks like a Christmas tree. That’s the worst Chinese dragon I’ve ever seen. It must be White people.” (It was. By the way, as you read my blog, you will find that the Big Man is always pointing out something or other about White people. He is White. I’m not sure if it is racist or not.)
4.) “Pathetic.” (This were first-graders trying to march in time with the band music. They apparently failed to choreograph their arm movements to The Big Man’s satisfaction, and refused to walk properly to boot. The nerve.)
5.) “B.O. And more B.O.” (We were watching this from home. There is no way he could have smelled the B.O. Although it was undoubtedly there.)
6.) “What kind of float is that? TRY, DAMMIT.” (Why should they try? So their nice hard work can be blown to smithereens by the aforementioned Parade Terrorist? Also, I was kind of hurt because it was the exact kind of lazy float I would have made, thrown together thirty minutes before parade time.)
7.) “They obviously set her up to fail and be on YouTube.” (A fairly chubby flag girl attempts a flip of some sort and fails miserably. It was sooo bad—there was no flip part to her flip. It looked like she tried to be Superman in midair and just flopped onto the ground. I admit, I am a horrible person and I straight up laughed hysterically. Not him. No, he was upset that the flag team would even put her into that position, knowing there was no way in God’s green earth she was going to stick that landing. I personally think she was just feeling herself and got caught up in the moment. Or maybe she was high.)
8.) “She looks terrible. Even in the dark.” (To be fair, the news anchors haven’t been able to catch a break since HD. And they still have to under that studio lighting. But yeah, she looked terrible.)
9. “Zzzzzzzzzzzzz.” (Thank God. Good night, everyone. Thanks for hate-watching with us.)