I have been a card-carrying member of Team Chunk (thank you, Crunk and Disorderly for the term) most of my adult life. I know why I’m fat—I like to eat and I hate to exercise. Eating is fun and exercising is sweaty.
However, I have some questions, comments, and concerns for my fellow team members. Let’s huddle.
1.) Feel free to cut thin people off mid-sentence when they try to give you (unsolicited) advice on diet and exercise. Why? Because there isn’t a fat person alive that doesn’t know the ins and outs of every single diet and exercise program there is. For example: I have tried Weight Watchers several times. I know WW works for me and honey, I know that points system in and out. So why am I still fat? Because I don’t stick with it. Do you know how many Chunk team members have the P-90x workout collection? Gym memberships? Old Tae-Bo VHSs (because that is how long we have been trying to lose weight since Billy Blanks was a thing)? Yeah, Team C—next time a fit person offers advice because you obviously need their help, tell them to stuff a gluten-free cookie in it. (Gross.)
2.) Don’t talk about how much you love to exercise. You don’t. If you did, you wouldn’t be fat. Don’t hand me that stuff about you don’t have time or whatever. People find the time to do the things they love to do. You know what I love to do? Eat. I devote a lot of time to doing that. I love to be on the internet and lounge in front of the TV and to read—all things that require my time. They are also all things that require no physical effort from me whatsoever. Listen Chunk teammates, if you’re spending hours a day on Facebook, then that is what you love. Not exercising.
3.) Why do so many of us drink those full-sugar-million-calorie energy drinks? What are we gearing up to do?
4.) It’s okay to go the next size up if you have to. I know, it sucks. Believe me. But also believe this: There is no tag bandit running around checking the size of your pants. If there is, he should be arrested immediately. But most importantly, a number shouldn’t be responsible for physical pain at the end of the day. One time I made myself wear a pair of jeans that I knew for a fact were too tight around the waist. Well, sir, I was going to make them fit because that was the size I wore, dagnabbit. Welp, by the end of the day, I was sure I had the stomach flu, my gut was in so much pain. I decided I needed to go home and lie down for a while and wait for the pukefest that was about to go down. The INSTANT I unbuttoned those jeans, I felt better. I’m sure the jeans felt better, too. Point is, I would not have felt like I had eaten week-old chili-con-carne if I had just returned the jeans and gone the next size up.
5.) Spanx. I was against them until I took a picture while wearing them. I was sex-ay. I mean, I’m pretty sexy anyway, but I don’t feel like it always translates into pictures. Spanx helped. Speaking of sexy:
6.) Dance/Twerk/Pop it/Drop it in front of the mirror with your sexy draws on. Try it just once. Seriously, it will make your day. And ain’t nobody got to see that jelly roll but you. I know the Big Man spies on me when I do it, but I don’t do it for him. I do it because I feel sexy when I do. We deserve to feel sexy for at least a few minutes a day.
7.) Do what works for you. By that I mean what makes you feel good about you. I have lost 13 pounds in the last two months. I’m losing weight, not because I want to look a certain way, but because hypertension and Type-2 diabetes are real in the African American community. I don’t want either one. Every day, I do a little something for me that pushes me along my weight loss journey. Every day I make a little change here or there. And I feel good about me. During PMS I ate ice cream and chips, and I felt good about me then, too.
Alright Team Chunk, high-five! Let’s break for snack.