I know that I have referred to The Destroyer as a twelve-year-old, but in reality he turns twelve on Saturday. Which has prompted me to reflect on some things. Mainly on the fact that I am getting old. Yeah, I know that people who are even a year older than I am will tell me all about how I don’t know what old is; but the fact remains that if I squat down, something will pop or crack on my way up. Or I may choose to sit all the way down to avoid that whole situation.
Anyway, as I mature (ahem), I think about all the things I wish someone had told me when I was younger. I have decided to share. Climb into my time machine and we’ll visit young Vida together:
1.) It’s okay to have an epidural. It’s okay not to have an epidural. Labor and Delivery doesn’t give out medals–all they care about is that you and baby are safe.
2.) Enjoy that metabolism while you can, sweetheart.
3.) You will never look the same way those girls do when you jog. You can still jog, just don’t think you’ll look like that.
4.) Get drunk at home. Trust me, it will save you a TON of embarrassment.
5.) Don’t worry about what your friends say–it’s okay to like White boys. Trust me on this one, too.
6.) If he really cares about you, he won’t make you do it. (Drugs, sex, watching Hot Tub Time Machine.)
7.) Call people (parents, professors, the bank) to let them know what’s going on. Nine times out of ten they’ll cut you break.
8.) No, you don’t want to be Lil’ Kim.
9.) You don’t particularly want to be Lauryn Hill, either. You tax situation will turn out better than hers.
10.) You’re not your mother. Thank God. (Although my mom is pretty awesome.)
11.) Your daughter won’t be you. Thank God.
12.) You can get addicted to coffee. (And still are.)
13.) He’s not the right guy for you. And that’s okay because:
14.) You won’t hate him forever.
15.) Buy good shoes. You have flat feet, and the cheap ones hurt.
16.) You’re not fat.
17.) Stop comparing yourself to her. You’re not her.
18.) She’s not you.
19.) Shut up and be awesome. It’s easier than you think.
20.) ALWAYS be grateful. No one has to do anything for you. Not even your mom.
21.) You can always go somewhere else. (I have found this works for any bad situation–job, relationship, slumlord apartments.)
22.) Bacon Sundays. With mimosas. Make it a thing for the rest of your life.
23.) Popularity is overrated.
24.) A few good friends=best thing in the world.
25.) Enjoy nudity as much as possible before you have kids. Kids like to poke things–fun for them, not for you.