Okay, so the Big Man thinks that I do too many of my post in list form. I have been married to the man for 10 years, and the man points this out now. Why does that annoy me? Because I speak in list form.
Whenever I have a point to prove, or just want to talk about something I possibly like, I list. I just do. I will always, always, start with, “ONE, blah, blah, blah, and TWO, blah, blah.” It’s what I do. So forget you, Big Man. FOR.GET.YOU.
So on with today’s rant/list.
Things I observe parents doing at the mall that are counterintuitive.
1.) Trying to get their kid to eat a vegan cookie in front of Cinnabon. Ay, yo. If I’m five and I smell Cinnabon, DO NOT try to feed me that ol’ flat, beige, crumbly cookie. I can see the fluffy, frosting-laden fat ball that is a Cinnabon. Why would you try to convince me that this flat weird cookie is just as good? It clearly isn’t. (The tantrums I have seen regarding this aren’t quite the Apocalypse, but pretty darn close.)
2.) Nordstrom. Look. No matter what the cabbage you do, Nordstrom is super boring for kids. It just is. At least Gymboree got hip to the game and has videos and bubbles. Nordstrom has elevator music and pretentious salespeople who don’t really like kids; they just got stuck in the kids department. Believe me, I used to work there.
3.) Trying to make your kid eat anything healthy once you’ve arrived at the food court. Seriously, if I was eight and we got up to the food court—DON’T. YOU. EFFIN. DARE. TO. GET. ME. VEGETABLES. Not when Hot Dog on a Stick exists.
4.) Meticulously wiping down mall rental strollers. You forgot your baby’s stroller. Don’t try to act like a good mom now; it’s too late. (I am way guilty of this. Because when you forget the stroller, you want to try to make up for it by being germ-free.)
5.) Trying to race against nap time. I have literally seen moms defeated at 12:30 trying to get their toddler in the van before baby falls asleep. I have seen them pray to the Nap Gods. Nope. Baby will fall asleep and then wake up seconds before you turn off the ignition to coast into the driveway. Even if you live two blocks away. You blew it, Mom. You blew it.
6.) Breaking up French fries into bite size pieces. Because, let’s face it, YOU wanted those fries. (Back to Hot Dog on a Stick. Those fries are phenomenal.)
7.) Making a toddler try on clothes. I have never done this; I’d rather make my three–year-old go to preschool looking like they’re playing dress-up in The Rock’s outfit. No matter how good of a mood your toddler was in prior to attempts at buying clothes that fit—they have now transformed into Cerberus, the three-headed dog from Hades.
8.) Get coffee without getting a snack for the hellion child that is with you. Why would you even try? Huh? Are you new to the game? If you are, here’s the deal: If you feel like you need a caffeine boost, then chicky-poo is going to want overpriced freeze-dried fruit. Home-packed snacks be darned.
9.) Pack your kids into the car to go to the other side of the mall. No explanation necessary.
10.) Physically steer their pre-teen away from Spencer’s. Because they have plenty of time to be tasteless.
Anyway, I like lists. They make my thoughts feel less like homeless corner-shouting.