I got older. The snacks stayed the same age.

Because of dear old Gretchen, I spend a lot of time in gas stations. And of course, there’s all that junk food at said filling stations, most of it so obviously bad for you that thinking about it makes you bloated and gassy.

However, occasionally, I’ll see the junk food of my youth and I will foolishly purchase said food to try to revisit the past. Sometimes the past should just stay the past, though. For instance: 

1.) Jolly rancher sticks. I was sooo stoked to see these a couple of months ago. In pink lemonade flavor, too! They were like fifty cents, instead of fifteen like back in the day. I didn’t care; I bought four because I wanted to share the joy of these sweet and sour bar of rock candy. I forgot, though, that the instant the candy came in contact with saliva, it becomes glue that sticks your top and bottom teeth together until it dissolves into a pink lemonade flavored knife that slices your tongue up.

“What’s wrong with your mouth mom? Did you lose a tooth?”

“Thut up and get me thome icthe.” I promptly threw the other three in the garbage.

See also: Now N Laters, Laffy Taffy

2.) Big League Chew. I actually saw this at Old Navy. I was so excited to share this with my kids that I forgot that the reason you looked like you had a big ol’ dip in your mouth was because you had to keep stuffing more of the shredded gum in there as it lost its flavor instantly.

See also: Fruit Stripe Gum, Bazooka Joe

See, look at him. He knew this gum was nasty.
See, look at him. He knew this gum was nasty.

3.) Pepperoni Stix. This was all my fault. I don’t know why I didn’t realize that there are no good foods that end in x. (See Weetabix.) I used to eat these constantly in seventh grade. That was probably because I had a seventh grade digestive system, whereas now I have a seventh decade digestive system. You bite into it and weird meat-flavored grease shoots into your mouth and down your esophagus. This isn’t a big deal when you’re twelve—The Destroyer can eat them with impunity. Now, that grease combined with the vague stick shaped meat-ish product is enough to put me in the ER.

See also: Slim Jim

4.) Corn nuts. I guess when I was a kid I never realized how much they smelled like feet. I don’t want to eat feet, you guys.

See also: Fritos

5.) Soft-baked cookies. As a kid, I LOVED these. LOVED them. I think it’s because they were all soft and chewy, not like Chips Ahoy, which crumbled into dust after two bites. I must not have realized the amount of preservatives that have to go into a small baked good in order for it to be able to bend into a U shape without breaking in half.  They’ll survive the Apocalypse, is what I’m saying.

See also: Twinkies

So, it’s Friday. What snacks have you tried to revisit?

3 thoughts on “I got older. The snacks stayed the same age.

  1. Recently I tried eating some gummie bears. No one told me that the reason they are called gummie BEARS is because they attack any bit of weakened enamel you have on your teeth like an angry bear and send a shock down your nerve endings leaving you on serious discomfort/pain. No bueno.

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