So my friend thinks that I am a TV snob because I don’t tend to watch a lot of the shows that other people do. It’s not that I’m a snob, it’s that all the good cartoons don’t come on anymore.
Anyhoo, she dared me to watch a reality show. Which isn’t really a big deal, some reality shows aren’t staged horrible fakery. (Well, I’m sure that they are all staged fakery. Some just aren’t horrible.) Then she threw down the gauntlet—she dared me to watch the Bachelor in Paradise.
I started breathing heavy. I got chest pains and anxiety. I didn’t think I could do this. But I wasn’t going to back down.
You guys, I wish I had backed down. Or that I was smart enough to invent time travel so I could eradicate the person who first thought of this show Terminator style. But misery loves company, so of course, I’m sharing my observations with all of you. You’re welcome.
1) Two girls named Lacy at the same place. This shows how old I am because Lacy was the name people gave their daughter when the already had kids named Candee and TerriLynn. I didn’t bother to learn anyone else’s name because learning names is for people you plan on seeing again. I will never, ever, purposely lay eyes on any one of these people in this lifetime–maybe if I die with my eyes open while channel-surfing, but that’s it.
2.) Everyone is super-tan. I get that they are supposed to be on a desert island, but the sun doesn’t turn people this shade of orange. Not that I’m against spray-tanning, I just don’t think it should be Crayola brand spray-tan.
3.) I understand that not everyone knows the difference between stalactites and stalagmites. There is no such thing as a stalaglite, though. How did this come up? They sent two of these people into a cave—presumably after making them sign waivers that absolve the network from responsibility for any and all deaths and injuries resulting from stupidity. I would have loved to see that waiver—I bet it read like Hop on Pop.
4.) There were bats. Dumb girl who went into cave with Dumb Guy shrieked about her dislike of bats, which are animals that live in caves much like the one you agreed to go in, Girl-who-wasn’t-named-Lacy. Or maybe she was named Lacy.
5.) Dumb Guy wants to get freaky in bat cave. Yuck. But then, he was kinda Yuck just by standing there and breathing.
6.) They have cocktails in the batcave. What kind of cave is this?
7.) Everyone is in love or has a crush on everyone else. So I guess all it takes is proximity for love to be in the air.
8.) I haven’t heard the word crush used so much since 8th grade. And that was only because I was still in the same school as sixth graders.
9.) Someone said “I’m not a person who openly shares–“. Stop right there, sister. You’re on a reality show about swapping partners with everybody else there to find the right partner for you. All. You. Do. Is. Share.
10.) Everyone keeps talking about being “real”. You know, while having cosmos in a cave.
11.) The Destroyer pointed out that they say “like” every other word. He is twelve.
12.) These men are wearing tank tops so tight I can see their heartbeat. One of them is wearing one with a pocket. It’s pretty hilarious.
13.) Kissing in the ocean=relationship. Who knew?
14.) Another girl who is not Lacy is perpetually confused. How do I know? Because she keeps going around saying so. “I’m just so confused,” “I’m confused right now” and so on. I think she may have the word “confused” mixed up with the words “dumb as a bag of hammers”.
15.) This sentence: “Lamb makes me nervous.”
Anyway, I failed the dare. (And really, do friends make friends watch stuff like this? I have obviously done something to upset her and she felt the need for revenge.) I made it to the halfway point of the show and then went to the kitchen to start comfort-eating to cope with the trauma. You guys, I have to come up with an idiotic reality show idea so I can make millions off of some dumb suckers who think they belong on TV. Help me out here.