I was doing laundry today, and I was thinking about how much I hate doing laundry. I thought, ‘Wouldn’t it be great if I could hire someone to do this for me?’
When I was doing the dishes, I thought about how nice it would be to have a maid.
Then it dawned on me. I don’t need a maid. I need a wife.
Hear me out on this.
Whether you’re a SAHM or you work, there are certain things that most women do. ( At least the ones that I have regular contact with.) Yeah, it may be sexist, but really, a lot of us do the cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. And a lot of the male partners that I know, when they do this stuff, they call it “helping out.” Which infuriates me almost as much as when they are home with their own children and call it “babysitting.” Like, mad-enough-to-wonder-what-widowhood-is-going-to-be-like infuriating.
My husband has never asked me to help him with the dishes. Because it’s unspoken that dishes are what I do. Or order the kids to do.
Here’s how a friend of mine who’s the primary breadwinner in her household put it (they both work, though): “I have never referred to his job as “helping” me pay the bills. It’s assumed that it’s both of our responsibility. That would sound so awful to me if I said ‘Hey honey, thanks for helping me with the water bill this month.’ So why if he folds two towels, does he need me to acknowledge his “help”? That should just be both of our responsibility as well. I just want to scream at him: YOU LIVE HERE TOO!” She’s got one heckuva point.
And, yes I have read about how much money it would cost to pay someone to do everything I do. But the Big Man doesn’t pay me. (Oh, he’ll make some smart remark in the comments about this. He’ll be wrong, as usual.) So, since the pay is lousy at my current gig, I need to do what the Big Man did to get some help around here.
I need to get me a wife.
I need someone who will run this house because she loves us and doesn’t want CPS sniffing around even though Kid Sensation still ends up looking homeless half the time. She’ll cook tasty, nutritious meals according to the tastes of the family but within a budget tighter than two pairs of Spanx. She might even finish the laundry, so she’ll be a better wife than I am. Note to self: Make sure you’re prettier than new wife.
What will I do? Oh, I’ll “help” her out, of course. I might meander by every once in a while and you guys I just realized that I can’t think of anything housework-related that the Big Man does. So maybe I don’t have to help at all. Yeah, I know Big man, you pay the bills around here. Putting your shoes away would still be kind of awesome, though.
Okay, I’m through griping. My family is pretty great. I’m just saying a wife would be pretty great, too.