I decided to treat ya’ll to another visit to the wonderful world inside my head.
Because you enjoyed it so much last time. YES YOU DID.
“I guess being dead won’t work either.” I tried not to respond to the kids pleas for some motherly attention and played possum with my eyes closed. Kid Sensation stone-cold walks over to me, lifts up my right eyelid, and screams “MOM!” right in my face.
“Oooooh! I have a Honeycrisp in the fridge. Imma eat that!” Pretty exciting, if you ask me.
“I guess it’s time to ram the doors with my truck.” The Destroyer was fifteen minutes late coming out of football practice and the school doors were locked. I had to figure out a way to save him (and then kill him if nothing serious had happened). Ramming things with my truck is always the solution.
“Do I separate them or let them work it out?” Trick question–I had no intentions of doing either. I just parked them in front of a violent cartoon so they’ll both shut up for thirty minutes. I’m such a good mom.
“You stay in that corner, spider, and I will stay in this one. That way we’ll both lead long, happy lives.” She didn’t listen, though, and I really didn’t want to fight her. I only talk tough. I went into the other room–no one wants a spider in their afro.
“That was bad.” I thought that about a lot of things today. I think that about a lot of things a lot of the time–a solid fifty percent of which are things I have done.
“I am so trifling.” I was playing Farm Saga instead of cleaning the kitchen.
“Matching socks? Who cares about having matching socks? Ebola is real in these streets!…is what I’ll say.” Have I mentioned that I hate laundry?
“You lose, cat.” I had a staring contest with the neighbor’s cat through the window. He thinks he’s better than me. I showed him.
“If I take two samples of the same item at Costco, is that stealing?” Now that I think about it, probably not. Also, I’m a fatty, and everyone expects a fatty to take two samples. I can’t let them down.
“Those are for douchebags.” I’m not sure what this was about. Oh, wait. It was one of those bikes that goes over your shoulders and you have to run. I saw one of these in real life. It was pretty douchetastic.
“How dare you?” After pretty much everything that comes out of Kid Sensation’s mouth. I mean, he says stuff like “Never mind that” and “You meant to say…” How dare he?
“Where does he think he’s going?1?” I thought Kid Sensation was getting into someone else’s car and panicked. Turns out it was Gustavo, his classmate. Again, I’m pretty much Mom of the Year over here.
“I know! A tangerine!” Trying to think up what to have for snack.
“Buzz all you want, dryer. Those clothes will stay in there until no one has underwear.” Not true. Just until I have no underwear.
“NO! No more Gerald and Piggie!” Seriously, no more Gerald and Piggie.
I know I’m not the only one with random thoughts–gimme some of yours.