So I had minor surgery this weekend, and one thing I noticed was that I waited around a lot. And when you wait around a lot you get a lot of—wait for it—random thoughts! I kept track of mine, and I think you’ll notice when they started giving me drugs.
Oooh, I like her haircut! At first, you just people watch a lot to pass the time.
Who is this gown for? Because, I mean, how is something simultaneously too big and too small?
Well, my booty out is your problem. I actually said this out loud to the nurse when she told me to go to the bathroom. She tried to be all sweet about it, like “I’ll tie this up so you’re not all exposed”. Nope. Lady, you gave me this booty-out gown, now deal. She actually that this was funny. I was serious.
I’m trying to read, now shut your face. So in ambulatory surgery, you’re separated by curtains. You can hear everything the people around you are saying. Everything. I was nice and polite, reading my book and everything. The lady next to me, however, was not as considerate. She, apparently, was having a colonoscopy, and for some reason needed to recount in detail how her insides were cleaned out. Also, I guess, she decided that instead of staying home near a toilet, she was going to go about her daily activities wearing an adult diaper. No one needs to say Depends that many times in one sentence. No one. She needed to shut her face, is what I’m saying.
Ha ha. Good luck, skinny. Another nurse tells me she’s moving me to the OR, where she’s going to move me from one gurney to the other. She may have weighed 100 pounds. Maybe. Y’all know I stone cold kick it in the 2 Bills club.
Huh. I guess she’s pretty strong. She was strong.
I’m not nervous. You’re nervous. Okay, this is where they gave me something to relax. I admit, I’m not a belligerent drunk, but I am a belligerent high.
Um. You’re burning out my insides, you ninny. The anesthesiologist asks me if I want to be all the way asleep. He didn’t know that I have three kids and this is the only sleep I’ll have gotten since 2002. Also, they’re burning my insides out, so there’s that. Oh, and I would never call anyone a ninny unless I was under the influence. I mean, ninny?
Hey, I’m not dead. After I woke up. Was I expecting to die? I don’t know.
I thought you said this wasn’t going to hurt. Why does this hurt? You said… I never finished this thought. I don’t know if I fell asleep or died for a couple of minutes. I think I fell asleep.
You’ll know him. He’ll be the biggest one in the room. When the doctor asked me if I wanted her to talk to my husband. I never really know if he’s the biggest one in the room, but 98 percent of the time, he is. And he was this time, too.
Who’s this wheelchair for? It seems they also do whale surgery here, because I my entire family could have fit in the wheelchair they brought for me.
Oh no, he’s gonna die! The male nurse commented on Wondergirl’s hair, and then proceeded to touch it. Fortunately for him, I was too high to form a coherent sentence and the Big Man didn’t see it happen. Otherwise, there would have been nurse-colored smears all over the clinic.
That’s about it, you guys. I am home recuperating and thinking random thoughts in my room. Have you had random procedure thoughts? Please share!