Hey y’all! I know I haven’t been around but I have a really good reason.
I didn’t feel like it.
Anyhoo, I’ve told you guys over and over that I’m pretty much a horrible person. It all came to a head this week. Here are a few of the horrible things I’ve said and done. I’m telling you guys this because misery loves company.
There was this football game that happened this weekend and everyone keeps asking me about it. I’m over it, so I’ve been telling people I was at a funeral.
I went for a walk yesterday and this little dog kept following and nipping at my heels. I was trying to figure out how to kick it without getting caught, but then it went home.
I ate the last cookie and told each kid that another kid did it, hoping for a kid-on-kid fight to the death. It never happened.
I watched Maury Povich.
I stuck my tongue out at a kid that was staring at me.
I told a telemarketer that I was dead.
I stepped on one of Kid Sensation’s toys and threw it away in a fit of rage. Then I tried to pretend that he never had that toy in the first place. He didn’t buy that explanation so now I owe him. Which is worse than owing the mafia.
This lady came and stood next to me when I was picking out apples at the store; I guess she wanted some apples too. She smelled horrible. I blurted out “Oh my God!” Really loud.
In his line of work, The Big Man’s shoes get wet and stink up the joint. I insist on making a production out of Febrezing them.
Wondergirl and I were watching show where a husband pranked his wife by putting salt in her coffee. Wondergirl says, “If that were me, I would have poured that coffee over his head.” That was my cue to tell her that second-degree burns are an inappropriate response to a little prank. Instead, I laughed.
I vow to be nicer this week. Wait, no. Next week. Next week, for sure.