Note: So I actually wrote this before the Grammys that I didn’t watch. I shall now proceed.
So last night I had a dream where I got into fisticuffs with Kanye West. (Typing his name makes me feel funny. Like new-permanent-marker-squeak funny. I don’t know.) It was like Peter and the Chicken from Family guy fistfight and I won. I don’t think I had this dream because I think Kanye is a douchebag, even though I do. I had it because I always have bizarre dreams when I eat pizza before bed.
But it got me thinking. (You guys know where this is going.) Okay. First, in real life, no hitting. But if there was hitting and I could get into a fistfight with anyone and not get 5 – 10, who would I actually pick?
Rhonda Rousey. Because if she didn’t knock me out with the first punch, I would have bragging rights for the rest of my life.
The neighbor’s friend who always parks his busted up minivan in Gretchen’s spot.
Sarah Palin. Someone would have to give me a good reason not to fight her.
Johnny Manziel. See also Wilson, Russell.
The hipsters who park all around my parents’ house and then give me a dirty look like I shouldn’t be there. Even though my folks have been there since the 90s. Pre-gentrification. Back when these people wouldn’t have shown their face in that neighborhood.
This lady in my neighborhood who drives a new Dodge Ram and has a Doberman. I want to fight her out of sheer envy; I actually want to be her.
The squirrel who sits outside of my back door, eats his snacks, and then leaves a horrible mess.
Equifax. See also Mae, Sallie.
Wondergirl said Justin Beiber. But then, she enjoys fighting, so I think she just picked him out of the millions of people she would willingly fight.
The Destroyer said someone at his school, which really surprised me because he usually gets along well with everyone. Then again, he’s turning into a walking testosterone factory, so that’s probably going to change.
Kid Sensation said Lex Luthor. Which is an unbelievably awesome answer. Now I want to fight Lex Luthor.
I would love, love, love to hear who you would want to duke it out with. No one? You think you’re better than me? Wanna fight about it?