So um, I was thinking about posting guys who are actually dateable, as opposed to the people I deem undateable. However, undateable is much, MUCH more fun. Also, I am aware that two out of three of my kids will be undateable. I’m trying not to tell Mama Prime because I really want Wondergirl and Omega to
make us rich get together. (BTW, Wondergirl fully expects to start her own salon and be able to hire her own janitors immediately. She was looking at me pointedly when she said this. I guess it depends on how much she pays. It better be in organs when I’m old and decrepit cause I figure I can use her organs more than she can. Evil people don’t actually use their hearts, since their blood is actually ice and oil and just slides through their veins.)
Prince Harry: I don’t know, but it seems like he would try to embarrass you at all the palace functions. Like, he would know you didn’t know anything about the cheese course, but would sit there while you asked for cheddar like an idiot. Knowing that all they had was Camembert and Brie. And then laugh and point with his grandma.
Darkseid: You would forever have in inferiority complex with this guy. And he’s clearly self-absorbed. Because he is constantly talking about how he is the one to bring order to the universe and how he should rule the universe. He would never, ever ask about your day. And he would insist on regaling you with his universe-domination schemes. Even though Superman shuts him down each and every time. He’s like that guy at work who swears he knows how he would change procedure, but management rips up his suggestion emails after printing them out for the sole purpose of passing them around and laughing uproariously at them. It’s like, “Listen, homebiscuit, all I want to know is if you liked Wu-Tang in high school. We can talk about universal domination after the third date.”
Jeff Goldblum: Not that I think he’s a bad dude. It just seems like if he opened his eyes at night it would be like the cartoons where you can see the whites and pupils in the dark. Freee-kee.
Mariah Carey: Listen, she’s beautiful and ultra-talented. But all of her clothes are too tight. ALL of them. She is definitely Spanxed to death. Do you know how I treat people after I have had Spanx on for too long? Like Portlanders treat everyone else: condescending and cranky. And I only wear them on special occasions. Pretty sure that’s how Mariah is all the time. Plus, Nick Cannon is her ex. So there’s that.
Carmen Electra: Cause she used to be the business. Have you ever dated anyone who used to be the business? They. Are. The. Worst. They always want to remind you of those days when they were the business–and you barely cared then. Now they’re just boring.
Ken: Blank groin area = dealbreaker.
I miss anyone?