More undateables. Again, not me so stop looking at me.

So um, I was thinking about posting guys who are actually dateable, as opposed to the people I deem undateable.  However, undateable is much, MUCH more fun. Also, I am aware that two out of three of my kids will be undateable.  I’m trying not to tell Mama Prime because I really want Wondergirl and Omega to make us rich get together. (BTW, Wondergirl fully expects to start her own salon and be able to hire her own janitors immediately.  She was looking at me pointedly when she said this.  I guess it depends on how much she pays.  It better be in organs when I’m old and decrepit cause I figure I can use her organs more than she can. Evil people don’t actually use their hearts, since their blood is actually ice and oil and just slides through their veins.)

Prince Harry:  I don’t know, but it seems like he would try to embarrass you at all the palace functions.  Like, he would know you didn’t know anything about the cheese course, but would sit there while you asked for cheddar like an idiot.  Knowing that all they had was Camembert and Brie.  And then laugh and point with his grandma.

Darkseid:  You would forever have in inferiority complex with this guy.  And he’s clearly self-absorbed.   Because he is constantly talking about how he is the one to bring order to the universe and how he should rule the universe. He would never, ever ask about your day. And he would insist on regaling you with his universe-domination schemes.  Even though Superman shuts him down each and every time. He’s like that guy at work who swears he knows how he would change procedure, but management rips up his suggestion emails after printing them out for the sole purpose of passing them around and laughing uproariously at them.  It’s like, “Listen, homebiscuit, all I want to know is if you liked Wu-Tang in high school. We can talk about universal domination after the third date.”

Also, I'm not trying to be racist here, but being death gray is kind of a turn-off.
Also, I’m not trying to be racist here, but being death gray is kind of a turn-off.

Jeff Goldblum:  Not that I think he’s a bad dude.  It just seems like if he opened his eyes at night it would be like the cartoons where you can see the whites and pupils in the dark. Freee-kee.

Mariah Carey:  Listen, she’s beautiful and ultra-talented.  But all of her clothes are too tight. ALL of them. She is definitely Spanxed to death.  Do you know how I treat people after I have had Spanx on for too long?  Like Portlanders treat everyone else: condescending and cranky. And I only wear them on special occasions.  Pretty sure that’s how Mariah is all the time.  Plus, Nick Cannon is her ex.  So there’s that.

Carmen Electra:  Cause she used to be the business.  Have you ever dated anyone who used to be the business? They.  Are.  The.  Worst.  They always want to remind you of those days when they were the business–and you barely cared then.  Now they’re just boring.

Ken:  Blank groin area = dealbreaker.

I miss anyone?

Random Round-Up

He you guys!  So I was not feeling well this week.   You know, cause I sent the kids back to that petri dish they call school. Also I have been writing for other folks, and again I am too shy to share. I just straight up told Mama Prime I would direct her to my work and when I got home I cried because I don’t want her to know how awful my work really is.  Yes, I said shy.  Why are you surprised?  Oh, because I am a butthead loudmouth on here?  Yeah, well.

Anywhoo.  Pop question:  When everyone in the house is sick, who do you tend to first?  A) Your oldest, B) the middle child who never gets enough attention, or C) the baby because he’s the baby?  Haha, trick question—the answer is D) the Big Man.  Because he is pathetic.  Or pitiful.  I can’t decide. Pathetiful? Yes.  YES.  No one copyright this until I feel like it.

Now.  To my random thoughts.

I told the Destroyer that if he goes to a school dance, and a girl he’s dancing with dances anything like I do, he should call me immediately and get away from her as fast as he can.  If a girl can booty roll and shake the way I could (and, *ahem* still can) I don’t want him anywhere NEAR her.  #parentalhypocrisy

I finally gave away my hope jeans.  You know those jeans you hold onto hoping you’ll lose weight back into them?  Yeah, well I lost hope.  Also, they are now out of style. I wish you well in your Goodwill endeavors, hope jeans.

The Destroyer, my son, who came from my own body, didn’t know how to spell Vegeta.  Or Super Saiyan.  I have failed him spectacularly. Don’t call CPS.

Yeah, Vegeta. That's how I felt, too.
Yeah, Vegeta. That’s how I felt, too.

Remember how I said Skeletor was undateable?  Well, I follow him on Twitter and he seems cool.  Danzing  is still undateable, though.

My grandma’s in town!  This is awesome because she’s awesome.

I live in Vancouver, Washington.  I thought it was cloudy today, but I think I’m wrong.  I think it may be the haze of smug coming across the river from Portland.  Yes, smug.

I was late taking Kid Sensation to school the other day.  He was up in his room playing so quietly I forgot he was there.  You guys, he was being so nice and quiet that I was validated as a parent.  I mean, if I can forget you exist, you’re a pretty good kid, right? Please don’t call CPS.

I want to have a cooking show.  But I can’t because I wouldn’t know how to cook without being interrupted. Or having to break up a fight. Or getting into a fight.  Or putting out a small fire.

On second thought, my cooking show might be pretty good.  Will you guys watch it?