Hey, you guys! How’ve you been? Good! Well, enough about you, let’s talk about me.
So the pie thing shockingly well. I didn’t burn the house down, and the pie was not only edible, it was good. Take that, um…cooking, I guess? Anyway, other than that, I haven’t really been up to much. Unlike everyone else I know.
I mean, so many of the people around me have been running around like chickens with their heads cut off. (I have never seen that phrase in print before, it’s kind of gross, huh?) I’ve avoided the pressure because of one thing: I’m really good at making excuses. Like, really good. So good, in fact, that I’m going to share my list with you.
- “I had Taco Bell today.” This is a good one, because no one will question you after that, for a couple of reasons: 1) They absolutely DO NOT want to hear what happened after that, and 2) every person in America and probably Germany has a Taco Bell story. (My husband has a Taco Bell legend.) They already know what’s up. However, you can only use this one once every few weeks, otherwise people will think you’re either a masochist or just plain stupid
- “Not unless you want to help me move.” It’s surprising how well this one works, considering people don’t generally move that often. It’s one of those things that people don’t even want to risk walking into. I personally used this one three weekends in a row a while back, and it worked every. Single. Time. Even though I haven’t moved in eight years.
- “I don’t have a babysitter.” This one has a limited life span, since once your oldest hits the teen years it becomes assumed that you have a built in baby-sitter. I have the great fortune of having the Destroyer as my oldest, and everyone know that ain’t nobody trying to leave him in a house alone with, well, furniture and dishes and windows and such. However, if your kids fall in the 1-7 age range, you’re golden. Especially if you have more than two. It also helps if you happen to have the spawn of the Devil himself. Or if your daughter may be a sociopath.
- “I’m broke.” Cause nobody wants to pay for you. Or maybe it’s just me-no one wants to pay for me. Not even for the sheer pleasure of my presence. Just kidding, I have like, three friends, and one of them is married to me and he has no choice but to pay. I also have no job.
- “I don’t feel like it.” Okay, so be careful with this one. It’s a classic, but keep this in mind: This one is for the professional lazybones ONLY. You have to be soooo lazy that you’re not even up to inventing a legitimate excuse. Or, in my case, so lazy that you probably have a real reason for your inability to do something and you’re not even up to sharing THAT. Also, the “I don’t feel like it” requires real conviction–you must not be talked into feeling like it. It doesn’t matter what “it” is, you have already professed your feelings or lack thereof and THAT IS THE END. FINITO. The “I don’t feel like it” must be resistant to tears, begging, anger, and bribery. That’s right, you don’t even feel like taking something you want to do something you don’t. THAT, my friends, is excusery (not a word? It is now) at it’s finest.
There you go. You are very welcome, because I have saved you from drudgery and irritation. Did I miss any?