Why can’t I be Bruce Wayne?

Okay, so I you read my blog on a regular basis (and I know you do, because it’s just that entertaining) then you know that I love me some superheroes. Marvel, DC, Justice League, Avengers, all of it. I’ve already done a post about which super powers I would like to have.  Now I’m going to do this one about which superheroes the people in my life actually are.  I mean, if you think about it, we all have people in our lives that have traits of certain mutants or aliens.  Like, my sister Birdie and I have mutual acquaintance that would be Rogue because she sucks the life out of everyone.  Like that.

Of course, I would be Batman. Wait–The Destroyer has just informed me that I am not Batman.  He is insane.

“Of course I’m Batman.  I’m fabulous all day and then I lurk around all night fighting dirt and crime.  Mostly dirt. Also, I always wear black.” Not sure if Batman wears black because it’s slimming, but whatever.

“Yeah, but Batman carries out his threats.”

“Not the point, look, I’m trying to type here–”

“You’re actually the Punisher.  You just go around busting up everyone’s fun.”

What?  I thought I was fun, not the fun-buster.

“No, it’s just that being the fun-buster is fun for you. That’s why you smile when you do it.”  (Note:  This is not why.  I just have this weird quirk where I smile when I’m angry.  Don’t ask me why, I wish I looked fierce and scary and intimidating.)

“You shut up and let me be Batman before I punch the air out of your lungs.”

He laughed, said “Punisher” and went to eat all the food out of the refrigerator.

I have previously called the Big Man my own personal Hulk.  But now that I think about it, that’s not quite right.  He has no Bruce Banner side to him;  he always just walks around being huge and intense.  He’s the Juggernaut. Like this:

He does that several times a day.

Wondergirl is Captain America.  She doesn’t make the rules, but she sure will enforce them.  With violence.  Sweet, sweet, justified violence.

The Destroyer.  He’s Beast.  No, he’s not blue, and he’s not even really hairy yet.  But he does run around on all fours (not joking)  and can physically do some pretty amazing crap. He’s also pretty smart when he feels like it.

Kid Sensation.  I almost put Kid Sensation down as Iron Man, because of how good he is with technology. But Iron Man talks too much.  So I gave him Cyborg.  I would ask him what he thinks of that, but he won’t say anything, anyway–he’s on the computer trying to buy something behind my back.  Haha, Kid, there’s no money in that account.  There’s no money in any account.  Joke’s on–well, all of us, I guess.

Birdie is Storm.  She’s usually the voice of reason, until she gets mad.  Then it’s lightening bolts and tornadoes for everyone.

Yay!  Family dinner!
Yay! Family dinner!

Ah yes, Supermom.  No, she is not Superman, she is Darkseid.  I’m dead serious.

What about the folks you know?  Who are you?

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Absolute Good.

I was having a discussion with Birdie a while back about things that are an “absolute good”–meaning that there is no down side, or that they are good enough that the down side is negligible. Of course, the first thing that comes to everyone’s mind is bacon.  Here’s a few more:

1) Breakfast.  Because it is the meal most associated with bacon, I have to say that breakfast in and of itself is an absolute good.  You can pretty much have whatever you want for breakfast, and at anytime of day.  I have heard people say they don’t eat breakfast, meaning they don’t eat a meal in the morning, but I have never heard anyone say they don’t eat breakfast food.  That’s because everyone on earth has a breakfast food they enjoy.  Eggs–they can be cooked any way you want them.  Cereal–uhh, Cinnamon Toast Crunch, anyone? Pancakes–all yum, all the time. Croissants? Flaky, buttery horn-shaped heaven.  I dare you to say there’s not at least one breakfast food that you like.  I dare you.

2.) Sleeping.  It’s fun, it’s free and it passes the time.  You even have entertainment while you do it–they’re called dreams.  You can pretty much sleep anywhere that you’re not operating machinery or driving (although that self driving car definitely has some possibilities).  Also, when you’re sleeping and someone wants to bother you, a lot of the time they’ll whisper an apology and back out of the room.  Unless their name is Kid Sensation.

3.) Batman.  I have never heard of anyone who doesn’t like Batman.  I’m not talking Batman movies,  mean the Batman.  He doesn’t have any superpowers, he could just be some rich cornhole who just goes around spending astronomical amounts of his money like some jerk named Richard Branson.  But no, he fights crime and despite all his money continues live in crime-infested Gotham instead of moving to the Gotham suburbs.  If you don’t like Batman, I’m not sure I want to know you because you’re obviously some type of hardened criminal who specializes in swindling old people.

I'm not calling him a jerk.  I'm just saying look at the guy.
I’m not calling him a jerk. I’m just saying look at the guy.

4.)  Denzel Washington.  See also:  Leonardo Dicaprio.

5.)  The Empire Strikes Back.  If you don’t love this movie you parents failed you somewhere.  I’m looking at you, Big Man.

6.)  T-Shirts.  They’re comfy, they come in colors, they stretch (handy if you’re boobs have their own area code, like mine do), you can dress them up, and when the sad, sad day that is the end of a t-shirt’s wearable life comes, it becomes an awesome rag. The Big Man’s T-shirts make great curtains.  Oh, t-shirt, is there anything you can’t do?

7.) Thriller.  Not the video that traumatized me as kid, but the album.  I know the entire Beat It dance.  I know all the words to every song on that album–and so does everyone I know.  Including people under 10 that do not live here.

8.)  Prayer.  Cause sometimes you have to talk to someone without anyone else around.

So give it up!  What’s your absolute good?

But, noooo. No powers for me.

I’m a bit of a comic book geek.  Not the all-out cosplay-at-Comic-Con comic book geek, but I know my way around a superhero or two.  And I’m enough of a geek to wish I had superpowers myself. “Vida,” you say, “all moms wish that.”  I know, but I’m talking specifics here. Like, what I would do if I were:

1) Batman.  First off, I wouldn’t mind just being Bruce Wayne, billionaire.  But if I were the Dark Knight, every time I ended up in a bad conversation with a mom who thinks she’s better because she makes her kids PBJ with jelly she hand-crafted from the organic grapes she grew and peanut butter from a poor village that gets all the proceeds on bread that she baked with wheat she stone ground, I would throw a Batarang at her, whisper “No one cares about your grapes.  I’m Batman” and then disappear into the night.

2.) Jean Grey.  To have telepathy AND telekinesis?? To be able to clean the house with my mind!?!? How effing awesome would THAT be? And then, THEN, when people came around and destroyed all my hard mind-housework, I would turn into the Phoenix and destroy them all. Then I could clean up that mess with my mind.  This is all win. Except I’m not sure that I would want to know what everyone is thinking. Especially when I’m around my mother.

3.) The Incredible Hulk.  People would go out of their way to be nice to me.  Because of the whole “You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry” thing.  Also, I think it would be interesting to be green. Oh, and I would get to see things from the Big Man’s perspective. (I did marry my own personal Hulk.  But he’s not green, just Irish.)

4.) Martian Manhunter.  This guy is my favorite.  He can turn into anyone, phase through walls, be invisible, fly, and has super strength.   Everything a mom wishes she could do.  Kids trying to tell on each other? Turn invisible and fly away. Wonder what your kid is up to in his room? Phase through the wall to invade his privacy.  Oh, oh, and he can read minds, too.  Wanna know what your significant other really thinks of your favorite sweatpants? Of course you don’t.  But you could, if you wanted to.

5.)  Ironman.  Traffic. ‘Nuff said.

6.) The Joker.  Okay, so he’s a villain.  But how awesome would it be to get to be crazy and everyone just accepts it.  Then when you do crazy stuff, they put you in Arkham which has the worst security known to man, so you’re out again doing crazy stuff.  And your kids don’t question you, they’ll just be all, “Oh it’s just Mom being insane.  Just do what she says. You know she has that gun with the boxing glove on the end. And that flower that shoots acid.” That would be cool.

Yeah, ask me why you have to do the dishes. I dare you.
Yeah, ask me why you have to do the dishes. I dare you.

7.) Storm.  The weather could always be my excuse for not doing something.  A potluck picnic that I don’t feel like making anything for?  Well, too bad, because it’s raining.  Kids have to stay home for a snow day?  Nope–a freak heat wave coming right up.  Some jackass being rude to the wait staff at Cheesecake Factory for no reason?  Let’s see how he likes a lightening bolt for dinner.

8.) Wonder Woman. Because–you know what, forget that.  I already AM Wonder woman.

Who would you be?

Image courtesy of deviantart.com