These are My Confessions. Better than Usher’s.

Hey, y’all!  It has been a rough week, what with the first day of school and all.  Trying to get these people together so they can get and education and get up out my house is rough, is what I’m saying.

Anyhoo, LeFou, I’m afraid I’ve been thinking (a dangerous pastime, I know).  I am always sharing my random thoughts with you guys, but ever the crazy stuff I think about on a regular basis. So here are my confessions:

  1. Wondergirl is in middle school. MIDDLE SCHOOL, you guys. So I cried when I dropped her off on the first day. I dropped the Destroyer off at the same time, but whatever.
  2. I read the Huffington Post unironically. I am ashamed.
  3. I used to laugh at my mother and now I am her. Kind of. Again, her house is clean.
  4. I don’t like babies in general. There, I said it.
  5. I secretly wish I could do the splits. I will never do anything to achieve this goal, though. I just wish there was some miracle do-the-splits cream. But I guess that would have to come after the miracle lose-75-pounds cream. Somebody get on this.
  6. I think the Beygency is real. And out to get me. (It is real. It’s called the Beyhive and one time I said I thought Beyonce was dumb. Long story short, Beyoncé slander should be one of the reasons to go into witness protection.)
  7. I got yelled at one time for referring to Bridget Moynahan as Tome Brady’s baby mama. Instead of saying “his son’s mother”. Apparently I was being disrespectful to someone who bores the mess out of me on three different channels in syndication. As if once a week isn’t enough. I get mad about it to this day. And she is his baby mama.
  8. I get angry because I’m not Serena Williams. I also get angry because I’m not Venus. Or active.
  9. I often think to myself, “If I were 5’7”, none of this would have happened.”
  10. My husband’s never seen the original Star Wars trilogy. I am ashamed.
  11. I think Ina Garten is trying to make me look bad. No one else. Just me.
  12. So, the Destroyer went to the Prime house for a sleepover with Optimus. I fear that he got a taste of real mothering and is way disappointed in the mom-hand he was dealt. Of course he won’t tell me. But I still suspect. Not that this is an incentive for me to be a better mom in any way. Like I said, the hand he was dealt
  13. I broke every light in my parent’s house trying to kill flies. True story. ( I HATE flies.) I regret nothing.

    Killin em softly. With shattering glass.
    Killin em softly. With shattering glass.
  14. Sometimes I make Kid Sensation look at me just because he has such pretty eyes. They look a little like anime.
  15. Rocky V is on my TV right now. And I’m kinda watching it. I am ashamed. It is so terrible I think I just got botulism.
  16. The first two seasons of Spongebob Squarepants changed my life.
  17. The Big Man is capable of farts that wake me up out of REM sleep. Okay, so I guess that might be his secret, but I needed to tell someone.
  18. I wear five-inch heels on a regular basis. And I walk extremely well in them. And then I am a cripple for like, three hours after I take them off.
  19. I refuse, you hear me, REFUSE to stop wearing five-inch heels.
  20. You guys, this Rocky movie is soooooo bad. And I’m still watching it. I’m sure the rap in it caused radiation poisoning. Even I remember jamming to at least one of the songs when I was a kid.

I may have more confessions.  Can’t think of any right now, but you KNOW I’ll share when I do.  Too bad for you.