Random Round-Up

He you guys!  So I was not feeling well this week.   You know, cause I sent the kids back to that petri dish they call school. Also I have been writing for other folks, and again I am too shy to share. I just straight up told Mama Prime I would direct her to my work and when I got home I cried because I don’t want her to know how awful my work really is.  Yes, I said shy.  Why are you surprised?  Oh, because I am a butthead loudmouth on here?  Yeah, well.

Anywhoo.  Pop question:  When everyone in the house is sick, who do you tend to first?  A) Your oldest, B) the middle child who never gets enough attention, or C) the baby because he’s the baby?  Haha, trick question—the answer is D) the Big Man.  Because he is pathetic.  Or pitiful.  I can’t decide. Pathetiful? Yes.  YES.  No one copyright this until I feel like it.

Now.  To my random thoughts.

I told the Destroyer that if he goes to a school dance, and a girl he’s dancing with dances anything like I do, he should call me immediately and get away from her as fast as he can.  If a girl can booty roll and shake the way I could (and, *ahem* still can) I don’t want him anywhere NEAR her.  #parentalhypocrisy

I finally gave away my hope jeans.  You know those jeans you hold onto hoping you’ll lose weight back into them?  Yeah, well I lost hope.  Also, they are now out of style. I wish you well in your Goodwill endeavors, hope jeans.

The Destroyer, my son, who came from my own body, didn’t know how to spell Vegeta.  Or Super Saiyan.  I have failed him spectacularly. Don’t call CPS.

Yeah, Vegeta. That's how I felt, too.
Yeah, Vegeta. That’s how I felt, too.

Remember how I said Skeletor was undateable?  Well, I follow him on Twitter and he seems cool.  Danzing  is still undateable, though.

My grandma’s in town!  This is awesome because she’s awesome.

I live in Vancouver, Washington.  I thought it was cloudy today, but I think I’m wrong.  I think it may be the haze of smug coming across the river from Portland.  Yes, smug.

I was late taking Kid Sensation to school the other day.  He was up in his room playing so quietly I forgot he was there.  You guys, he was being so nice and quiet that I was validated as a parent.  I mean, if I can forget you exist, you’re a pretty good kid, right? Please don’t call CPS.

I want to have a cooking show.  But I can’t because I wouldn’t know how to cook without being interrupted. Or having to break up a fight. Or getting into a fight.  Or putting out a small fire.

On second thought, my cooking show might be pretty good.  Will you guys watch it?


Absolute Evil

UPDATE:  This post is in no way political.  Dick Cheney’s evil is based solely on his looks. Because I am that superficial.

Not too long ago, I did a post about things I think are an absolute good.  Like breakfast and such.  Now it’s time to talk about the other side, the side that lives in Wondergirl’s soul.  I’m kidding.  She has no soul.

1.) Clowns.  All of them. The Joker isn’t evil because he’s a psychopath; he’s evil because he’s a clown.

2.)  Heartburn.  Heartburn is evil because it only comes from delicious food.  I have never gotten heartburn from lima beans.

3.)  My house.

4.)  The Internet. The internet is entirely responsible for my failure to accomplish anything, ever.  I would be a somewhat productive human being without the Internet making me waste my time looking at lots and lots of crap that I can’t afford.

5.)  People who hate Dragon Ball Z.  Look, I’m not saying you have to love it like I do.  Being indifferent is okay as well.  But if you can look me in the eye and tell me you hate Dragon Ball Z, I’m pretty sure you also kick babies and slap cake out of people’s hands.  Evil.

6.)  Flesh colored leggings.  Gross.

7.)  My scale.  I don’t even know why I let it live here.

8.) That guy who put a lift kit and 24s on his new Camaro.  He should be killed for committing that hate crime against that poor car.  I’m not even a Chevy girl like that, but you get a Camaro because it’s fast and it’s supposed to be low to the ground and why oh why would he do that?  Because he’s evil, that’s why.

9.) Jerry Jones.  He has to be evil; he’s obviously been dead for like, three years.   See also:  Dick Cheney.

10.)  Dick Cheney.  He needed to be on here twice, because he’s too evil for just a side note.  The man is terrifying and I’m pretty sure he’s the Boogeyman.

I'm not sure what facial expression this is, but I'm sure whoever he's looking at is now a pile of bones somewhere.
I’m not sure what facial expression this is, but I’m sure whoever he’s looking at is now a pile of bones somewhere. He ate them, is what I’m saying.

11.) Popeye’s Chicken.  Everything up in that joint is terrible for you and they know it.  So they make it smell extra good (try driving by Popeye’s with your window rolled down) and taste extra good so that so you don’t even notice your thighs and heart getting bigger while you’re still eating.  See also:  Krispy Kreme.

12.)  People who drink decaf.  They’re obviously trying to throw my addiction in my face and that’s a pretty evil thing to do.

13.)  Money.  For never being in my bank account.

Let’s start this Monday off right.  What’s your absolute evil?