Random Round-Up

He you guys!  So I was not feeling well this week.   You know, cause I sent the kids back to that petri dish they call school. Also I have been writing for other folks, and again I am too shy to share. I just straight up told Mama Prime I would direct her to my work and when I got home I cried because I don’t want her to know how awful my work really is.  Yes, I said shy.  Why are you surprised?  Oh, because I am a butthead loudmouth on here?  Yeah, well.

Anywhoo.  Pop question:  When everyone in the house is sick, who do you tend to first?  A) Your oldest, B) the middle child who never gets enough attention, or C) the baby because he’s the baby?  Haha, trick question—the answer is D) the Big Man.  Because he is pathetic.  Or pitiful.  I can’t decide. Pathetiful? Yes.  YES.  No one copyright this until I feel like it.

Now.  To my random thoughts.

I told the Destroyer that if he goes to a school dance, and a girl he’s dancing with dances anything like I do, he should call me immediately and get away from her as fast as he can.  If a girl can booty roll and shake the way I could (and, *ahem* still can) I don’t want him anywhere NEAR her.  #parentalhypocrisy

I finally gave away my hope jeans.  You know those jeans you hold onto hoping you’ll lose weight back into them?  Yeah, well I lost hope.  Also, they are now out of style. I wish you well in your Goodwill endeavors, hope jeans.

The Destroyer, my son, who came from my own body, didn’t know how to spell Vegeta.  Or Super Saiyan.  I have failed him spectacularly. Don’t call CPS.

Yeah, Vegeta. That's how I felt, too.
Yeah, Vegeta. That’s how I felt, too.

Remember how I said Skeletor was undateable?  Well, I follow him on Twitter and he seems cool.  Danzing  is still undateable, though.

My grandma’s in town!  This is awesome because she’s awesome.

I live in Vancouver, Washington.  I thought it was cloudy today, but I think I’m wrong.  I think it may be the haze of smug coming across the river from Portland.  Yes, smug.

I was late taking Kid Sensation to school the other day.  He was up in his room playing so quietly I forgot he was there.  You guys, he was being so nice and quiet that I was validated as a parent.  I mean, if I can forget you exist, you’re a pretty good kid, right? Please don’t call CPS.

I want to have a cooking show.  But I can’t because I wouldn’t know how to cook without being interrupted. Or having to break up a fight. Or getting into a fight.  Or putting out a small fire.

On second thought, my cooking show might be pretty good.  Will you guys watch it?

Another Random Post.

Time for more random stuff from my brain! Yay! I said YAY.

Has there ever been the alterna-Flinstones? Like has there ever been the hot guy/ fat chick sitcom? Because, on the real Wilma Flintstone, Alice Kramden, Carrie Heffernan could have done waaaaay better.   Confession: I think Kevin James is kinda hot. But it works against the formula because I’m also fat. So we’d be another Mike and Molly.

Why do all the shows when someone gets a house/cash/gifts/cash happen to everyone else? Where is the application for these shows? Why don’t I know about it? Is it a conspiracy to keep me poor? I think it is. But then, I’m pretty sure life is a conspiracy to keep me poor.

Why does Naomi Campbell still look better than me? Aside from the fact that she probably diets, exercises, and great genes. Oh, and a stylists. Not the point. The point is, I thought time was supposed to be the great equalizer. You lied, Time. YOU. LIED.

There’s this fly on the windowsill.  I need to go kill—never mind it’s a wasp.  Carry on, wasp, I clearly interrupted whatever you had going on with the window and I apologize.

I walk at the track to lose weight. (Not to be confused with “walking the track” which means prostitution. In which case I’d like to think that I’d have more money. ) Today a more athletic chick ran past me and told me “Good Job!” I guess I’m at the white belt level of fitness and the track is clearly her dojo, she figured I needed her encouragement so that I wouldn’t give up and pass out on the track. I showed her though. I waited until I got to Gretchen to pass out.

The wasp is still there.

courtesy marvelheroes.com
I wish it had been this Wasp.

I know the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles song. All of them. And I sang them with Kid Sensation in Fred Meyer. Quietly. I’m not a complete jerk.

I have convinced myself to get a fatkini. It’s. About. To Go. DOWN.

We are so football starved in this house, we are watching the Madden Demo Game. It’s Cowboys vs. Seahawks. And we are here commenting on it. I actually said, “Oh, so they just gon’ let Romo walk in the end zone?” Out loud. Pathetic.

I don’t know. I was feeling random today. Kick me some of your randomness. You know, if you’re feeling random, too.

OH WAIT!!! I forgot to tell you guys!  I was buying wine and I got carded.  (I’m pretty sure it’s mandatory.) Here’s how the conversation went:

Cashier Lady: “You have such pretty skin.”

Me:  “Thanks.”

CL:  “Black Women are so lucky.  You’re lucky you’re Black.”

Me:  *mumbles something and rushes out before ending up on the news*

So, you guys, did I handle this right?  Supermom would have totally had some kind of extremely nuanced shade and tossed it out there like a wiffle ball.  But, I’m no Supermom.  Yet.

I also hate butterflies.

Hey y’all! I know I haven’t been around but I have a really good reason.

I didn’t feel like it.

Anyhoo, I’ve told you guys over and over that I’m pretty much a horrible person. It all came to a head this week. Here are a few of the horrible things I’ve said and done. I’m telling you guys this because misery loves company.

There was this football game that happened this weekend and everyone keeps asking me about it. I’m over it, so I’ve been telling people I was at a funeral.

I went for a walk yesterday and this little dog kept following and nipping at my heels. I was trying to figure out how to kick it without getting caught, but then it went home.

I ate the last cookie and told each kid that another kid did it, hoping for a kid-on-kid fight to the death. It never happened.

It would have been so awesome.
It would have been so awesome.

I watched Maury Povich.

I stuck my tongue out at a kid that was staring at me.

I told a telemarketer that I was dead.

I stepped on one of Kid Sensation’s toys and threw it away in a fit of rage. Then I tried to pretend that he never had that toy in the first place. He didn’t buy that explanation so now I owe him. Which is worse than owing the mafia.

This lady came and stood next to me when I was picking out apples at the store; I guess she wanted some apples too. She smelled horrible. I blurted out “Oh my God!” Really loud.

In his line of work, The Big Man’s shoes get wet and stink up the joint. I insist on making a production out of Febrezing them.

Wondergirl and I were watching show where a husband pranked his wife by putting salt in her coffee. Wondergirl says, “If that were me, I would have poured that coffee over his head.” That was my cue to tell her that second-degree burns are an inappropriate response to a little prank. Instead, I laughed.

I vow to be nicer this week. Wait, no. Next week. Next week, for sure.

Random Downton Thoughts. Trust me, you’ll like it.

So you guys, everyone who knows me knows that I love me some Downton Abbey. Okay, well, like two people outside of my immediate family know that. Not the point. The point is, I do and of course, like with everything else, I have random thoughts.It’s what I do. Don’t roll your eyes at me. Let’s do this. Well, go watch it if you haven’t and then let’s do this. (BTW, this is not a recap.  EVERYONE else does a recap of this show, and I’m positive they’re better at it.  This is just the random ish I think and say during the show.)

Avoiding people you don’t like is easy. It’s avoiding one’s friends that’s the real test.” So this came from the Queen of Shade herself, Dowager Countess Grantham. And it was so good because she was talking to her friend when she said it and it’s one of those kinds of things where you can’t tell if you should be offended or not but you definitely should. It takes years to get to that level of shade. She’s one of the reasons I can’t wait to be old(er) and horrible(r?).

So glad the dresses from the 1920s aren’t in now. I would look like a silky refrigerator with some pearls on.

BATES. Ok, so, the name Bates has to be said in low, ominous tones. Bates is the baddest valet in the world. Like, last season he found out that Tony Gillingham’s (we’ll get to him) valet attacked his wife and then straight up disappeared him. He may just be Alfred Pennyworth. BATES.

Don't tell ME he didn't just get finished handling some business.
Don’t tell ME he didn’t just get finished handling some business.

I’m also glad that pleats are not in. I hope pleats are never in again because when I think of things I want to look like, an open accordion isn’t one of them.

I like the word, “luncheon”.

A lot of people are getting cornered on the stairs. I think it’s rude.

Poor Edith doesn’t know what happened to her baby daddy. None of us do.

Zomygod Molesely is dying his hair! Is that…shoe polish? (This sent Wondergirl into gales of laughter.)

BATES wants a baby!

Awww shizzle. Carson and them got into the sherry.

Do I want arm length gloves? Yes, yes I do. Despite my upper arm fat.

Carson just punked Molesely about his hair so hard, y’all.

So Lord Tony Gillingham is back. He’s in love with Mary, but she turned him down last season. He’s handsome, rich, and charming. I mean, I know she was grieving and such, but still.

Countess Grantham punked Scrant. Again. His name is Scrant, though, so there’s that.

Oh, wait, wait, I think Mary and Gillingham might get together. Yay! And then later that night he went in her room and I was all Bow-chicka-wow-wown but that wasn’t the case at all.  My mind is in the gutter.

A FIRE!!! Oh no!

That’s it for this week. See y’all next week! Oh, and please let me know if I missed anything!

Random Tuesday, Part II

Hey guys!  Did you miss me?  YES, YOU DID.  Well, I missed you, so now you should feel bad.  Anyhoo, I have been wicked busy doing nothing, which means you were probably doing more important things than I was.

So how about some more random thoughts? Some of these were overheard between Wondergirl and Kid Sensation, so they are extra random.

Wondergirl:

Quit spraying it!  IT’S DEAD!  I have no clue what this was about because I was way too scared to go look.

Why are your pants making noise? Sit down, I can’t hear!  Geez, Wondergirl.  Let us wear corduroy in peace around here. By “us”, I mean me.  By “let” I mean “shut your pie-hole”.

Did I say you could sit by me?  No she didn’t.

She looks like a social worker named Pauline.  This is what I thought when I saw Wondergirl’s hilarious school picture. Okay, this is what I said out loud.

Kid Sensation:

AAAAAHHHH!  He turned on the vacuum by accident and got scared and ran.  So I had to go upstairs and turn it off.

Don’t talk to me!  Don’t see me!  He meant don’t look at me, but he ended up sounding like John Cena instead.

Because I’m American!  I don’t know why he shouted this.  I don’t even know if he was talking to anyone.

Me:

Chocolate Peppermint milkshake?  Darn you, Burgerville!

This is my house, I don’t have to wear a sweatshirt here, I can just turn the heat up.  I just came from my folks’ house, where you definitely have to wear a sweatshirt because my dad is Mr. Freeze.

This guy.  With chips and a beer.
This guy. With chips and a beer.

I can’t believe I just watched that.  I couldn’t sleep, so I watched a movie starring DMX.   I repeat, starring DMX.

So is it MY turn to run up the stairs screaming at the top of my lungs? No, cause if I do it, then people start throwing words around like “breakdown” and “crazy”.

I can’t have anything! Looking at the demolition derby that is my house through the blur of tears of self-pity.

I forgot how funny the old Looney Tunes are!  And racist, don’t forget racist.

This book is terrible.  I read the whole thing, though, and by the time I got to the end, it was still terrible.

I think that’s it.  You guys, 2014 had been pretty great with you.  I will be back in 2015 with a new feature starring Optimus Prime’s brother, Omega Prime.  Mama Prime knows what I’m talking about (ooooh, I’m so cryptic…)

Bye ya’ll!  See you next year!

Random Surgery Thoughts.

So I had minor surgery this weekend, and one thing I noticed was that I waited around a lot. And when you wait around a lot you get a lot of—wait for it—random thoughts! I kept track of mine, and I think you’ll notice when they started giving me drugs.

Oooh, I like her haircut! At first, you just people watch a lot to pass the time.

Who is this gown for? Because, I mean, how is something simultaneously too big and too small?

Well, my booty out is your problem. I actually said this out loud to the nurse when she told me to go to the bathroom. She tried to be all sweet about it, like “I’ll tie this up so you’re not all exposed”. Nope. Lady, you gave me this booty-out gown, now deal. She actually that this was funny. I was serious.

I’m trying to read, now shut your face. So in ambulatory surgery, you’re separated by curtains. You can hear everything the people around you are saying. Everything. I was nice and polite, reading my book and everything. The lady next to me, however, was not as considerate. She, apparently, was having a colonoscopy, and for some reason needed to recount in detail how her insides were cleaned out. Also, I guess, she decided that instead of staying home near a toilet, she was going to go about her daily activities wearing an adult diaper. No one needs to say Depends that many times in one sentence. No one. She needed to shut her face, is what I’m saying.

Ha ha. Good luck, skinny. Another nurse tells me she’s moving me to the OR, where she’s going to move me from one gurney to the other. She may have weighed 100 pounds. Maybe. Y’all know I stone cold kick it in the 2 Bills club.

Huh. I guess she’s pretty strong. She was strong.

I’m not nervous. You’re nervous. Okay, this is where they gave me something to relax. I admit, I’m not a belligerent drunk, but I am a belligerent high.

Um. You’re burning out my insides, you ninny. The anesthesiologist asks me if I want to be all the way asleep. He didn’t know that I have three kids and this is the only sleep I’ll have gotten since 2002. Also, they’re burning my insides out, so there’s that. Oh, and I would never call anyone a ninny unless I was under the influence. I mean, ninny?

Hey, I’m not dead. After I woke up. Was I expecting to die? I don’t know.

I thought you said this wasn’t going to hurt. Why does this hurt? You said… I never finished this thought. I don’t know if I fell asleep or died for a couple of minutes. I think I fell asleep.

You’ll know him. He’ll be the biggest one in the room. When the doctor asked me if I wanted her to talk to my husband. I never really know if he’s the biggest one in the room, but 98 percent of the time, he is. And he was this time, too.

This guy.  In a hoodie.  And sweatpants.
This guy. In a hoodie. And sweatpants.

Who’s this wheelchair for? It seems they also do whale surgery here, because I my entire family could have fit in the wheelchair they brought for me.

Oh no, he’s gonna die! The male nurse commented on Wondergirl’s hair, and then proceeded to touch it. Fortunately for him, I was too high to form a coherent sentence and the Big Man didn’t see it happen. Otherwise, there would have been nurse-colored smears all over the clinic.

That’s about it, you guys. I am home recuperating and thinking random thoughts in my room. Have you had random procedure thoughts? Please share!

Random Thoughts Thursday

I decided to treat ya’ll to another visit to the wonderful world inside my head.

Because you enjoyed it so much last time.  YES YOU DID.

“I guess being dead won’t work either.”  I tried not to respond to the kids pleas for some motherly attention and played possum with my eyes closed.  Kid Sensation stone-cold walks over to me, lifts up my right eyelid, and screams “MOM!” right in my face.

“Oooooh!  I have a Honeycrisp in the fridge.  Imma eat that!”  Pretty exciting, if you ask me.

“I guess it’s time to ram the doors with my truck.”  The Destroyer was fifteen minutes late coming out of football practice and the school doors were locked.  I had to figure out a way to save him (and then kill him if nothing serious had happened). Ramming things with my truck is always the solution.

“Do I separate them or let them work it out?”  Trick question–I had no intentions of doing either.  I just parked them in front of a violent cartoon so they’ll both shut up for thirty minutes.  I’m such a good mom.

Because this is EXACTLY the kind of things Wondergirl needs to see.
Because this is EXACTLY the kind of thing Wondergirl needs to see.

“You stay in that corner, spider, and I will stay in this one.  That way we’ll both lead long, happy lives.”  She didn’t listen, though, and I really didn’t want to fight her. I only talk tough.  I went into the other room–no one wants a spider in their afro.

“That was bad.”  I thought that about a lot of things today.  I think that about a lot of things a lot of the time–a solid fifty percent of which are things I have done.

“I am so trifling.”  I was playing Farm Saga instead of cleaning the kitchen.

“Matching socks?  Who cares about having matching socks?  Ebola is real in these streets!…is what I’ll say.”  Have I mentioned that I hate laundry?

“You lose, cat.”  I had a staring contest with the neighbor’s cat through the window.  He thinks he’s better than me.  I showed him.

“If I take two samples of the same item at Costco, is that stealing?”  Now that I think about it, probably not.  Also, I’m a fatty, and everyone expects a fatty to take two samples.  I can’t let them down.

“Those are for douchebags.”  I’m not sure what this was about.  Oh, wait.  It was one of those bikes that goes over your shoulders and you have to run.  I saw one of these in real life.  It was pretty douchetastic.

“How dare you?”  After pretty much everything that comes out of Kid Sensation’s mouth. I mean, he says stuff like “Never mind that” and “You meant to say…”  How dare he?

“Where does he think he’s going?1?”  I thought Kid Sensation was getting into someone else’s car and panicked.  Turns out it was Gustavo, his classmate.  Again, I’m pretty much Mom of the Year over here.

“I know!  A tangerine!”  Trying to think up what to have for snack.

“Buzz all you want, dryer.  Those clothes will stay in there until no one has underwear.”  Not true.  Just until I have no underwear.

“NO!  No more Gerald and Piggie!”  Seriously, no more Gerald and Piggie.

I know I’m not the only one with random thoughts–gimme some of yours.