Hey folks! Not much going on here, which is why I jump on the interwebs to look at other people’s lives and judge them. (Don’t judge me.) I had a single friend over, and we talked about those people, but we talked about ourselves, as well. She made me very glad I will never have to date again. “But Vida,” you ask, “What if something happens to the Big Man?” Nope. Not even then. I am never letting anyone else do this love thing to me again. Never.
Since I never have to date again, I get to make fun of the whole scene. Aw, come on. It’ll be fun. It’s a list of guys I would never date. FUN, I said.
Skeletor: One thing Skeletor’s got in his favor is that he’s pretty ripped for a skeleton. Seriously, check out the quads on this guy. Also, he’s a homeowner and I like his house. And even though I’m not really a cat person, I feel like Panthor and I would get along okay. He also has this wicked bad chair made of bones and such. Which goes perfectly with the theme in my house of whatever-the-Destroyer-hasn’t wrecked-yet chic.
I don’t think that I would like his friends though, Beastman looks like he smells and sheds and I’m pretty sure Evil-Lyn would always be trying to break us up. Then there’s his obsession with ruling Eternia which means we’d always be dealing with He-Man, who’s smug and insufferable and makes his cat wear a helmet. Oh, and he has no face, soooo…no kissing. Deal-breaker.
Danzig: Welp, he’s famous. He can sing. Everyone in America and probably Mexico knows the words to “Mother”. (Probably through karaoke, but still.) Maybe Canada, too, but I doubt it. He can get into a confrontation for you pretty much anywhere and he’ll totally win. Or get knocked out. Oh, and Misfits T-shirts are cool. Best of all, he was on Aqua Teen Hunger Force as himself.
But his name’s Glenn. GLENN. Name the last Glenn you liked. Or who wasn’t an undercover, if not overt, douchebag. I’ll wait. Nope, time’s up and you couldn’t think of one. Also, who gets punched in the face and tells people they “allowed” said puncher to do the punching? Someone named Glenn, that’s who. Guaranteed, if you went on a date with Danzig and then you decided it didn’t work, he’d tell everyone he “allowed” you to say he was a tool. And who does that? And why, for the love of Batman, won’t he get a haircut and stop dying it Sharpie black?
Wolverine: He’s good looking. He’s got great hair. He has superhuman healing abilities so then only I would have to have health insurance. Since I’m not a mutant, I’m not sure if we could both live at the Xavier Institute, but if we could that would be awesome.
Especially considering that, X-Men stuff aside, I’m pretty sure Wolverine is perpetually unemployed. I know he was a lumberjack in the movie, but that doesn’t count. Also, he has anger issues that directly correspond with adamantium claws appearing from his knuckles. That concerns me. Oh, and he’s like one inch taller than I am, and I am extremely heightist. And he’s Canadian, so he doesn’tknow the words to “Mother”.
Who did I leave out? Don’t say Prince.