Another post about getting old.
I might be obsessing a bit. I know that “40 is the new 20” (HEAVY on those quotation marks) but as I head into my 35th year, it sure doesn’t feel like it. There are all kinds of things that I could do when I was in my twenties that my body isn’t having now.
1) Drinking cheap liquor. I used to be able to chug any ol’ swill the bartender would throw at me. And not get hung-over. I mean, it could have been in a jug with XXXX marked on it and I could drink it and be fine. I would even be fine the next day. And ya’ll, when I partied, I used to get duh-runk. Not drunk, duh-runk. Now? Nope. One, I can’t make it past tipsy anymore. Two, the last time I tried to do cheap stuff I stated to get hung-over while drinking it. This wasn’t after a few drinks, folks. I was on drink one with this crap and I was seriously getting ill. (I won’t name the brand but it rhymes with Bonarch.) Or the time I went to someone’s house and they served Alco-pop in wine form, and I drank it to be polite. (Also because the only person there I liked was the host, so I had to drink something.) I drank two glasses of that mess. In my twenties, I would have been able to drink it and it would have been all good. But since I was thirty-three at the time, I got a headache so bad I was convinced that I had all of a sudden developed a brain tumor.
2. Not sleeping. Confession: Sleeping is one of my favorite pastimes, followed closely by napping and dozing. But when I was in my twenties (early twenties—I was married with two kids by the time I was 25) I could go out, party, sleep for a couple of hours, and then go to work. Once I went home, showered, and then went straight to work. Now?? Ain’t happenin, Jack. If I get six hours of sleep, I can function—barely. Four hours of sleep and my brain begins liquefaction and starts to trickle out of my ear.
3. Losing weight. No lie, when I was 22 I stopped eating red meat for a while and lost 27 pounds. That was it, I just stopped eating one thing. I don’t want to give the wrong impression here—I wasn’t eating any healthier. I still ate Popeye’s chicken, McDonald’s fries, Ivar’s fish and chips, Baskin Robbins’ ice cream—I ate crap, is what I’m saying. Exercise? Not even. These days, if I want to lose five pounds I have to give up anything delicious. Diet food can be good, or even tasty, but let’s face it—it is never delicious. I have to pretend like I don’t hate exercise. And I have to do these things for weeks. And if I stop for a couple of days, I gain it all back plus five.
4. Flexibility. When I was 26, I took up yoga for a few months. I actually got pretty flexible within that amount of time. I was no contortionist, but I could place both my hands flat on the ground behind my feet. But a few weeks ago, I started having to stretch because of that herald of aging: back pain. Every single time I do the stretches, I feel like the Tin Woman trying to touch her toes. Every. Single. Time.
It’s okay though. Because one thing I can do now, I couldn’t do then—not care what other people think about me and what I do or what I have. (Well, it’s easy for me not to care about what I have. Thanks to Kid Sensation and the Destroyer, I can’t have anything nice. NOTHING.)
I also have Spanx. Seriously, you guys. I love Spanx.