Time, that’s what happened.

Hey you guys. You guys, I have been so sick, and I still am a little bit. But I feel good enough to run my mouth today, so here we go.

The weather here has been pretty nice the last few days, just a little chilly. (Somewhere in the Midwest someone is flipping me the bird right now. ) So since it isn’t raining, I make my kids bundle up and then kick them outside until they have mild hypothermia. Parenting, ladies and gentlemen!

Anyhoo, I was watching them play and it reminded me of things I used to be able to do effortlessly. “Oh, here she goes with her lists,” I can hear you thinking. Well, it was kind of rude for you to think that, but I’m going to present my list to you anyway.

1) Running. No, not jogging or running for exercise—which I don’t do—but an all-out-full-bore-sprint for no reason other than to run. The Destroyer runs everywhere. Everywhere. Full speed. And he’s got nowhere to be; I have no idea why he’s running. But if I wanted to sprint somewhere (you guys, I just stopped and busted up laughing after typing that, tears and all) I would really have to get ready to do it. First, I’d have to put on my sports bra that’s made of titanium alloy. Then I would have to psyche myself up. Then I would have to stretch. After that, I would have to talk myself out of going back in the house to lay down. Oh, and I’d have to make sure there was no one around within a ten mile radius. Okay, and your mark, get set, go! I did it! Now, I’m just going to lay face down in this grass twenty feet from my house…

2) Jumping. Every one of my kids likes to jump down the stairs. Like five of them at a time. I guess their femurs shooting up through their kneecaps and the ensuing patella ricochet isn’t a concern for them. It is for me though, so if I ever have to jump down from somewhere, first I get my feet as close to the ground as humanly possible. Then I point my toes as hard as I can in order to get even closer to the ground. Then I use my arms to launch myself to wherever it was I was stupid enough to have to jump to get to. I try really hard to make sure that my ankles and knees are bent when I land so that I don’t collapse into a heap of two immediately broken ankles. Jumping down one stair is not for me.

3) Pull-ups. The Destroyer was doing pull-ups for fun. I haven’t done pull-ups in years. Just kidding! I’ve only ever done one pull-up in my life, and I’m pretty sure I was drunk.

4) Falling. The Destroyer was playing basketball with one of his friends in front of the house. On the street. And he dove for the ball. He fell, of course, but then popped right back up and continued dribbling. I remember doing that all the time. Just popping with a skinned knee or something and going on about my business. People, I am so for real when I say that, now, to me, falling down is devastating. It always happens in slow motion, I can never stop myself, and it seems like it’s always really loud. Like a couple of weeks ago, I fell after misjudging a stair—in my own house, a stair that I have gone down only a million times—and when I landed it sounded something like PLAP! It was horrible. I had to lay there in a pile of embarrassed Mom for a minute so I could recover. Was anything hurt? Well, my feelings. And my pride. I have no dignity left, so that wasn’t an issue.

Like this.  Except nobody cared so I just had to lay on the floor.
Like this. Except nobody cared so I just had to lay on the floor.

So, while I’m sure every last one of you is in better shape than I am, (I’m obviously a walking disaster) what are somethings you used to be able to do easily? By the way, if you say pull-ups, I’m going to call you a liar.

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Hey Dummy! Or words for my younger self.

I know that I have referred to The Destroyer as a twelve-year-old, but in reality he turns twelve  on Saturday.  Which has prompted me to reflect on some things.  Mainly on the fact that I am getting old. Yeah, I know that people who are even a year older than I am will tell me all about how I don’t know what old is; but the fact remains that if I squat down, something will pop or crack on my way up.  Or I may choose to sit all the way down to avoid that whole situation.

Anyway, as I mature (ahem), I think about all the things I wish someone had told me when I was younger.  I have decided to share.  Climb into my time machine and we’ll visit young Vida together:

1.) It’s okay to have an epidural.  It’s okay not to have an epidural.  Labor and Delivery doesn’t give out medals–all they care about is that you and baby are safe.

2.) Enjoy that metabolism while you can, sweetheart. 

3.) You will never look the same way those girls do when you jog.  You can still jog, just don’t think you’ll look like that. 

4.) Get drunk at home. Trust me, it will save you a TON of embarrassment.

5.) Don’t worry about what your friends say–it’s okay to like White boys.  Trust me on this one, too. 

6.) If he really cares about you, he won’t make you do it.  (Drugs, sex, watching Hot Tub Time Machine.)

7.) Call people (parents, professors, the bank) to let them know what’s going on. Nine times out of ten they’ll cut you break.

8.) No, you don’t want to be Lil’ Kim.

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To be fair, she used to be a young black woman. Now I think she’s part dragon or something. I don’t know.

9.) You don’t particularly want to be Lauryn Hill, either. You tax situation will turn out better than hers.

10.)  You’re not your mother.  Thank God. (Although my mom is pretty awesome.)

11.)  Your daughter won’t be you. Thank God.

12.) You can get addicted to coffee. (And still are.)

13.) He’s not the right guy for you.  And that’s okay because:

14.) You won’t hate him forever.

15.) Buy good shoes.  You have flat feet, and the cheap ones hurt.

16.) You’re not fat.

17.) Stop comparing yourself to her.  You’re not her.

18.) She’s not you. 

19.) Shut up and be awesome.  It’s easier than you think.

20.) ALWAYS be grateful.  No one has to do anything for you.  Not even your mom.

21.) You can always go somewhere else. (I have found this works for any bad situation–job, relationship, slumlord apartments.)

22.) Bacon Sundays.  With mimosas.  Make it a thing for the rest of your life.

23.) Popularity is overrated. 

24.) A few good friends=best thing in the world.

25.) Enjoy nudity as much as possible before you have kids.  Kids like to poke things–fun for them, not for you.